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Welcome to our 'Just for Fun' page for cartoons and
anecdotes which we will update regularly for your amusement. If you have contributions - Poems, parodies, spoofs, jokes or simply amusing incidents, please send them to stuff@haddenham.net |
| The Bell ringer sent in by Jeff Izzo, USA |
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1. A small village in
Oxfordshire needed a new bell ringer for its church. After
auditioning a dozen or so applicants, the parish council still were
not happy with anyone's performance. Just when they were about to
settle on someone, a man with no arms walked in to apply. Not
wanting to appear prejudiced, the council allowed the man to try
out. He stood about 20 feet from the bells, then took off at full
speed, smacking head on into the huge ringer. Lo and behold, this
let out the most glorious sound the council had ever heard, and the
man was hired on the spot. For 3 months the village folk happily
listened, every hour of every day, to the sounds emanating from the
bell tower. One morning, as the man was racing toward the bell to
signal 12 noon, he sneezed and lost his balance, missing the ringer
entirely, and plummeting out of the tower to his unfortunate demise
below. A crowd gathered ‘round and as they tried to determine who
he was, someone proclaimed, “I don’t know him, but his face rings a
bell.”
2. The man’s brother took over
the job, but after a short while also succumbed to the same fate.
And again a crowd gathered ‘round, and someone proclaimed, “He’s a
dead ringer for his brother.”
Jeff Izzo, USA There's no such thing as bad weather, only inadequate clothing -- English Poet Ted Hughes |
| The great Tommy Cooper |
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1. Two blondes
walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would
have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came
round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor,
I can't feel my legs!" The doctor 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common?' "It's not unusual." 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy" 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was
getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin. 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastd!" 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" |
| Business Certainties |
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The printer will always jam seconds
before a meeting.
The flu virus will always be more virulent on a Friday. No one will ever tell you that your 8.00 am meeting has been cancelled. No presentation will ever run the way you rehearsed it. |
| Management techniques - sent in by sent in by DJ in the UK (Haddenham) |
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For those of you interested in the latest management techniques... Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We've all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little maths that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% And, B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top. But, look how far this will take you: A R S E K I S S I N G 1 18 19 5 11 9 19 19 11 14 7 = 133% So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what Is required. "What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." - Woody Allen |
| Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?- sent in by DJ in the UK |
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SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken. GEORGE W BUSH - We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground. COLIN POWELL - Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. TONY BLAIR - I agree with George. HANS BLIX - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. DR SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. TRICIA - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace. ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX - It was an historic inevitability. RONALD REAGAN - What chicken? SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES - eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON - What is your definition of chicken? THE BIBLE - And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS - Did I miss one? HOMER SIMPSON - Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n |
| Only in America - sent in by DJ in the UK (Haddenham) |
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| Scrabble - sent in by Julie (Haddenham) |
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GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY (Wait till you see the last one!) MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS |
| Three part management course - sent in by DJ in the UK (Haddenham) |
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Lesson Number One: A
crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing
all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two: A
turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with
nutrients." Management Lesson? Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lesson? 1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! End of Management Course |
| Strange - sent in by DJ in the UK (Haddenham) |
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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. |
| Man and Woman - sent in by DJ in the UK (Haddenham) |
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee =
profit SHOPPING MATHS A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he
needs. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she
gets a husband. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must
understand him a lot and love him a little. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men
do, PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn't. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT
GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at
weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're
next." |
| Quotes - sent in by DJ in the UK (Haddenham) |
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"Nothing great was ever
achieved without enthusiasm" Ralph Waldo Emerson "One can never consent to
creep when one feels an impulse to soar" "Don't wait. The time will
never be just right." Happiness is not having what you
want. It's wanting what you have." |
| Who says IT geeks don't have a sense of humour... - sent in by L Jones |
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I
thought you'd like to know that there are a lot of changes that are
going to be taking place across the board as far as the servers &
personal computers go. |
| La or El Computer - sent in by Geoff in the UK (Haddenham) |
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A Spanish teacher was explaining to
her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as
either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance is feminine: 'la
casa.' 'Pencil', however, is masculine: 'el lapiz'. A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (No chuckling... this gets better!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computer"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won! |
| Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis - sent in by CM (Rose family Australia) |
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Do you remember great Indian
leader Ghandi? He was inspiration to his followers, he used to walk
barefoot, walked with a stick, abstained from eating or drinking too
much, was very wise but his odd diet gave him bad breath.... So that makes him a "Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis." If you say it quickly you might even sound precocious..... PS Thanks for great site, hope you like this joke. Had my photo taken at Madame Tussauds London with Ghandi, sure he would have liked this joke.....Christine Muller |
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